I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
this hospital has no fireball
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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