So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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