just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize