THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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