i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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