So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize