Hey man sorry I got all grabby
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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