Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
