its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
