Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
