Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
