i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
