apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize