I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Quick, to the slutcave!
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
