I'm laying in your front yard are you home
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
