I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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