just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
