I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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