Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
