why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
