I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
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