I puked a lego.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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