is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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