yo everyone went to the hospital last night
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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