i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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