Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
