What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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