Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
