there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
