He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
