my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
