I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
ttyl tear gas
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
