If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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