Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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