There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
