thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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