the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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