This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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