And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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