When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
