So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
