I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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