Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
