I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
