I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
