My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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