So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I think I am morally bankrupt
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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