We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
