Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
