They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
