1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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