fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
you never un-have a 4some
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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