she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
