foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize