I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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