just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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