Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize