Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
