But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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