i jhust puked up my retainher.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
