You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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