I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
