You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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