so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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