Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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