But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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