Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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