I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
