Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
