We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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