Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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