It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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