I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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